aw this sort of thing always warms my heart! thank you so much, and it really does mean a lot :)
If I sat here in silence for ten minutes, I’d probably end up thinking of you, and that’s not fair because I know you haven’t thought of me in months, maybe years. I’d think about the way your hands are those of an old man, and your cheeks are those of an embarrassed
child. They’re permanently stained with the innocence of no first kiss, no despair, no loss. I’d think about getting over you and how it’s a sprint but also a marathon; painful and mindless, yet planned and determined. I’d think about how I got over you the first day that you didn’t talk to me and how I knew I could move on. I’d think about how time proved me wrong every day since then and how I feel like a dusty attic: a storage place for memories that were never quite important enough to display, but not painful enough to throw away, either. This is not because of you; it is not because I cannot live a full life without you. It is because I have yet to find the zeal for life that I felt asleep in your arms; it’s because I’m still looking for another face pretty enough to look forward to seeing, and a shoulder comfortable enough to rest on. I’m still trying to find someone whose words are worth reading at midnight when I have to be awake in five hours and someone whose lips are worth kissing in stolen moments. I’m looking for someone who is nothing like you. I don’t want slow or gentle anymore, and I’d like someone whose ambitions extend beyond staying safe. I’d like to kiss someone who has never been kissed back harder than they kiss. I want to hold someone who has only ever been taught how to be held, and I want to learn how to fall in love without being careful or kind, but rash and unsure but entirely correct, instead. I want someone with whom talking is welcome, like rain in a drought, kissing is irresistible, and cuddling is presumptuous. I want to have someone, and I can finally picture him taking your place. But if you were to leave me alone for 10 minutes, I’d probably think of you and how you left. I’d use the lack of a fight and the absence of your passion to map out my flaws and dissect why I am not worthy of having the kind of love that beats in my heart like a drum and distracts my mind from everything that’s more important. I’d probably forget his name and replace it with yours just long enough to forget that life goes on, even with loss and insincerity looming in the cloudy parts of self esteem and possibility.
I know I’m in love because you are the only thing that I need, and when you are gone, because you will one day be gone, I will be ruined. But for now, that’s okay because needing you and having you makes living so sweet.
You are like an under-exaggerated version of a parent who died when I was a young kid. You show up in trust issues, fear of intimacy, self-deprivation of all forms of love. You show up in my desire to run far away and never look back. I am going to run away, and I hate knowing that you won’t look up from your nest of happiness and life full of love to see me walking away. You will encourage my jog to accelerate into a sprint with every star that is in the sky. You won’t star-gaze with me anymore, and that’s okay. I was like the mistress who builds a fantasy out of stolen moments, but you were much worse. You were the husband who forced his always-faithful, honest and kind wife to get a paternity test. You were cowardly, but I was stupid, and at the end of the day, Stupid will always cause herself twice as much harm as Coward will inflict upon her.
I once had a friend who told me that no guy should cost me my sanity and I always believed that she was right. I see you talk about him and your words slur together as if you don’t know what to say, but I think you have too much to say. I like to see people talk about the things that they are passionate about, and the way your eyes twinkle is not graceful but it’s strong, and if a guy can make you strong when you don’t even have him yet, I ought to think that’s the kind of insanity that’s worth it. Your insanity shivers your lips and crinkles your nose; if he saw it he’d think it’s cute. You smile this smile that reads as if it is an excerpt from the greatest love story on earth. When you think about him and think that nobody knows, your hands wrap around themselves and I wonder if that’s your way of yearning for his touch. If your sanity grants you peace and mindfulness, but the passion he gives you grants you zest for life and freedom from your walls, then I must say I think you’ve won this one.
I’ve been thinking about boarding school, and I remember way back when we were still “we” and I told you I might consider boarding school. You smiled and said with the saddest eyes I could imagine, “Please don’t go. I’ll miss you so much.” and I’m positive that in that moment I made up my mind that I was not going. But nonetheless, I told you that it was still an option. I tried to convince myself that love isn’t a reason to stay. I tried to tell myself that a boy is not enough reason to be somewhere. Then, I considered what could make me stay, and the only thing I could think of was a four letter word. It branded itself on my eyelids and chanted itself against my eardrums; “love, love, love!” and I was sure that if love wasn’t a reason to stay, then I didn’t have one, and I was hesitant, so I think it’s fair to say that love *is* a reason. Love is always a reason, and that’s significant.
my brother always found out about trends before they even became popular.
he knew Lana del Rey when she was Lizzie Grant.
I don’t know much about what’s going to happen in the future, and I *still* don’t own a Barbour jacket.
my palms sweat when people talk about popular music and artists and brands.
I’ve never known something before it knew me,
but I hated everyone before it became cool.
they say doing something first makes you a leader, but I never wanted the house that I built of blades and blood and degrading words to become a shelter for those who felt lost.
I never knew that wanting to shrink myself 24/7 also meant encouraging other people to do the same.
my eyes are cloudy with the steam of my shower,
my bath water smells like rose petals,
and my voice is strong.
I hope hearing it will help you acquire a part of me that I’m proud of.
"he asked where I was and when I told him I think he expected somewhere royal and beautiful. in reality, the beauties were few and far between. I would’ve spent time convincing him of all the wonderful parts, but he told me that the way I smiled lit up the entire place enough that it didn’t need any other beauties."
we were sitting on the steps, and all our friends were laughing and spinning in circles. they were high on love and the night sky. I felt like I should get up and spin with them, but a foggy familiarity pulled me back to my spot next to you. you must have thought that I was still in love with you or something of the like. your eyes became small crescents when I took your hand and said, “thank you. thank you for letting me go. I haven’t let you go yet, and if you get the chance, trace the palm of your hand. measure the circumference around your finger. your whole world is wrapped around your finger. you’ve got your whole life of splendors and wonders in the palm of your hand. you’ve let me go, and I’ll be gone in two months; my world has not yet stopped growing, and it’s bigger than my being. its pull is stronger than your magnetic eyes and vehemently gripping voice. thank you.”